“How ’bout a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?”

Dear Uncle Ted,

I’m worried – if Texas Congressman Chet Edwards winds up as Obama’s VP choice, as many have speculated, do you think the American electorate will have a problem with a national ticket featuring two sets of weird names?

– Bluer than a Smurf

It’s a good question, my Smurfy friend, though American voters are not nearly as monolithic on this issue as you would think. Sure, there’s a bunch of bigots and knuckleheads willing to discount this possible Democratic ticket simply because one guy’s last name sounds like “Osama” and the other guy shares a name with Wyatt’s douchebag brother from Weird Science – but most of those people were never gonna vote for Barack, anyway. They would rather their daughters marry lesbian commie vampires than not vote for a Republican.

I wouldn’t get too concerned – the American people have a history of electing folks with some odd names.


Millard Fillmore – Whig party
Ulysses S. Grant – Republican
Calvin Coolidge – Republican
James A. Garfield – Lasagna-Eating-Cat Party

Vice Presidents

Elbridge Gerry
Hannibal Hamlin
Adlai E. Stevenson
Garret Hobart
Spiro Agnew*

Besides Chet, this year’s possible candidates include Virginia Gov. Timothy Kaine (who sounds like he should be the bad guy’s henchman in a Stephen Segal movie) Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius (third in line to the throne of Sebelius, ancient Martian Warrior queens) and Senator Evan Bayh, whose name looks like a calligraphy exercise, or what a Scrabble tile bag would Chuck Hagel after drinking too many Milwaukee’s Bests.

They’re all pretty sensible Veep choices, Smurfette. You shouldn’t worry – no, if the Democrats lose in November, it will not be because the candidates have goofy names.

It’ll be because one’s a black Muslim terrorist sympathizer and the other doesn’t mind the gays.


*Dick Cavett once figured out that if you rearrange the letters in Spiro Agnew’s name, you get “grow a penis.”

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