Dear Dr. Uncle Ted:
I’ve got a patient who, when unconscious, frenzily produces auto-written short stories in the style of Norman Mailer, while also presenting numbness in the left arm and leg, fever, impending kidney failure, low white cell count and tachycardia. Any thoughts on a diagnosis?
– G.H., Princeton, N.J.
Greg – Come on, now – you’re a world-famous doctor. Isn’t it clear what you’re up against? I would check the patient’s residence for evidence of voodoo rituals, including animal sacrifice. Also, check for bake pans hammered into the shape of the author’s head. If my hunch is correct, the patient is steeping pages from The Naked and the Dead in chicken blood, and then baking that blood into soul-channeling pastries made with extremely fattening butter and shortening. Testing should reveal partially-saddled arterial blockages along with mycotoxicosis probably contracted from avian fecal matter. I would begin a regimen of anti-coagulants and anti-fungals immediately. I’d also call an exorcist. Or an agent, if the patient is channeling from Mailer’s early work.
I’m going home now.