This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. And tort reform.

Dear Uncle Ted:

The last week has sucked.  My bike got stolen, my phone died, someone hit my car and I dropped my ice cream in the midle of the street (mocha java fudge chip!!!!!  ghaaa!)  Someone told me this is because Mercury is in Retrograde.  I want to know – can I sue Mercury?  Or should I just punch the guy who told me so in the nose?

Sincerely,
*Princess Me
Blaming the astrologer is not the way to go here, Princess. He was only doing his job. Unfortunately, bringing a civil suit against a planet is extremely difficult – though not completely unheard of:
  • In George Fredericks vs. Mars, the Red Planet is said to have perniciously dropped out of Leo, thus causing Mr. Fredericks’ budding romance at the time to self-destruct. Mars’ lawyers argued that Mr. Fredericks should have planned the timing of his romantic entanglements better, seeing as Mars’ orbit does not deviate, and can be computed with reasonable accuracy thousands of years into the future. Character witnesses – two ex-girlfriends – testified to Mr. Fredericks’ deficiencies as a lover. The suit was ruled in favor of the defendant.
  • In the events leading up to Angela Trilinikis vs. Jupiter, the plaintiff is said to have based her purchase of a used Chrysler minivan on the gas giant rising into Taurus. When the vehicle broke down a week later, Ms. Trilinikis filed suit. The planet’s lawyers’ motion for a change of venue to Cerus – a dwarf planet within the asteroid belt – was granted. Proceedings are scheduled to begin shortly after human settlement of the Jovian system is established.
  • In a non-astrology related case, Brittany Salerno vs. Saturn, arguments over paternity testing were rendered moot when Ms. Salerno prematurely gave birth to a moon. The two parties currently share custody.

My advice: rabbit’s feet.

– Unk.
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