Category Archives: History

“Luke. I know you like to go down on marsupials. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.”

Dear Uncle Ted:

I have two roommates whom I hate. They’re messy, inconsiderate–basically they have their heads up their asses. I’m leaving the country in a few weeks, but not before I teach them a lesson. Any suggestions?

Veronica Daindrich*, Wollongong, Australia

Dear Veronica:

Look. You’re better than this. I know it seems like vengeance is the answer, and I’m sure your assessment of them is accurate – but that doesn’t mean you should stoop to their level at this point. Who knows. Your last night out with them in Australia – at a dinner that they will probably be too cheap to chip in for – might lead to some beer-enabled apologies and revelations. And perhaps, even a renewed friendship.

But if they manage to f*ck that up, at least wait until you’re on your way home. I mean, you should definitely wait until you’re at a cash-paid internet kiosk at the airport before hacking their Google email accounts to send Photoshopped pictures of themselves performing fellatio on wallabies with the subject line “Here are the images you requested” to all the elementary school children in your former neighborhood. And you should DEFINITELY wait until you’re state-side before calling an anonymous tip into the Australian Federal Police about how your roommates – your stinky, non-dishwashing, curry-take-out-tray-leaving, drunk-footballer-stealing tw*t roommates – were running a bestiality porno ring in your laundry room, unbeknownst to you until the morning of your departure.

Make sure you call from a public phone. And disguise your voice with one of those Darth Vader voice changer thingies. And make sure to send them some Tim-Tams while they’re doing 10 long in the pokey.

-Unk.

P.S. I’m guessing it won’t be hard to figure out those Gmail passwords. They’ve gotta be something easy for that pair of dingo’s balls to remember. I’d try “fosters” or “crikey” or “paulhogan” or “valtrex.”

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Yeeeee-haaaaaa!

Dear Uncle Ted,

Who was the better Civil War general: Ulysses S. Grant or Robert E. Lee?

– Kilrain of the 20th Maine

This is the sort of question that doctoral theses are written about, Kilrain, and trying to give you a reasoned, well-supported answer would take too much time away from my afternoon bikram yoga session.

Let me say this: Grant was an intuitive battlefield manager, gutsy and an inspiration to his men. His decisive victory at Vicksburg along with his successful Union strategy demonstrated tenacity and boosted the morale of the country. Many have argued that but for his leadership, the war might have dragged on for many more years.

No one ever escaped capture by Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane in a souped-up ’69 Dodge Charger named the General Grant, however.

-Unk.