Category Archives: Politics


Dear Uncle Ted:

Do you think the Canadian government should change the street-legal status of mobility scooters in our country?

– Elizabeth Cadman, Vancouver, BC

Dear Elizabeth:


Sweet Jesus, no.

Canadians will ride into the next battle for freedom on the back of a horse called Rascal, Elizabeth. Your obvious opposition to them and the patriots that ride them is clearly the result of your inability to see the future – the glorious, seven-and-a-half mile-per-hour future of your country. The sooner you stow your prejudices in the conveniently mounted basket behind your fully adjustable chair, the happier you’ll be.


You need a ringer-T with a bacon sandwich and anti-Republican sentiment plastered across the front of it. You know you do.

Dear Uncle Ted,

How long are you keep reminding all nine of your readers that you’re selling cool crap on CafePress?

– Reader No. 5

Until every Democrat and Independent in America is walking around with a BLT on his or her chest, Dr. Kissinger. So start telling your friends.

Cured meat we can believe in.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Is there any way I can hold the Republicans accountable for the last eight years of ass-hattery and support America’s favorite cured meat at the same time?

– A Concerned Voter With Some Disposable Income

Dear Concerned:


This is the front of the shirt. Awesome, I know.

This is the front of the shirt. Awesome, I know.

This is the back of the shirt. Yes. I know it was hard to imagine, but now the shirt is even MORE awesome.

Mmmmmm. Salty, smoky, fatty political discourse.

There’s also buttons, mugs, bags, kids’ clothing, sweatshirts and underwear. Yes, underwear. (Note: Uncle Ted will send a special Obama-related gift to the first person who buys a “Pro-BLT, Anti-GOP” thong.)

In this historic election year – it’s a sandwich we can believe in.


*Profits will be donated to Obama For America.

Howard Dean – DNC Chairman and swordmaster of the Tachibana clan.

Dear Uncle Ted,

How do you think Sarah Palin did last night at the convention?

Alaska forever,
*Maggie O’Connell

Maggie – I think she hit a home run. Her stance on gun control, reproductive rights, family values – what’s not to love? She was so wonderful, with her thin, watery delivery and her bland yet infuriating distortion of the Democratic platform. I like her so much, I’m holding a fundraiser for the GOP in the backyard this weekend! You should come on down! I’ll be inviting the local NRA chapter, some anti-abortion activists, and Levi Johnston. We’ll be shooting a bison with an XM8 automatic assault rifle and roasting it on a spit while hearing from our Minutemen friends about how Mexicans are creeping across the border and eating our children and the elderly and sucking the blood out of our dogs and cats. Like vampires. Deportable, non-English-speaking vampires.

Yes. Come on down to Uncle Ted’s house this weekend. Have some fun. Drink some beer. But make sure to leave before the “cake” arrives. It’s going to be like one of those bachelor-party things you see in old sitcoms, except instead of strippers, it’ll be filled with frosting-covered Brady-Campaign-To-Prevent-Gun-Violence/Planned-Parenthood-trained Samurai, who will make short work of the right-wingers in attendance slowed down by the Corona and the bison steaks. Anyone left alive will be treated to a reading from Dreams of My Father, followed by ice cream.

I hope that little firecracker from Juneau shows up! I really, really, really, really, really do.


He always sounds like he’s trying to squeeze one out.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Is Joe Lieberman a traitor to his party or a patriot for his country?

– Asking Joe To Say It Ain’t So

AJTSIAS, one part of me wants to commend him for his willingness to sacrifice the goodwill of his former party for what he believes in. Another part of me wants to break a 2-by-4 across his pelvis for lending his support to a 137-year-old hypocrite who chose a whore-mongering moose-rapist as a running mate after following the failed ideals of his party rightward in a cynical pursuit of the White House.

What I’m trying to say, AJTSIAS, is: I’m torn. Joe’s not a bad guy. But one has to wonder if he’s been waiting out filibusters in an alcove near the Senate chamber, huffing bags of taxpayer-subsidized diesel.

Where have you gone, Joe?


P.S. I’d like to apologize for calling Gov. Palin a whore-monger. It’s an unfair and wholly reprehensible characterization. She did the best she could. Her daughter’s business is none of ours.

P.P.S. That being said, I’d like that girl’s phone number. Once she’s had that idiot hockey player’s baby, I get the feeling she’s gonna want something more stable. You know. With an older dude. Rrrrrowr.

Obama’s not out-fundraising McCain because of the INTERNET, buddy.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Is Jesus a Democrat or a Republican?

Mary Torkleson, Pittsburgh, PA

Mary – since Jesus’ last known address would place him in Jerusalem – and seeing as there’s a pretty significant amount of evidence that the man would, upon his return, head towards Israel, it would make His political inclinations and party affiliation as it relates to American politics somewhat beside the point.

It should be noted, however, that the Vatican is currently investigating a claim by state-side Catholics that every time Barack opens his bible, cashier’s checks made out to “Obama For America” fall out of it.


The Honorable Parkay McMonkeyballs.

Dear Uncle Ted,

What cool shit will be happening at the Democratic National Convention?

Grover Sandusky, Spokane, WA

Grover, my boy – glad you asked.

Day 1

Event Highlights:

  • Apple Pie Bake-Off
  • Livestock Exhibition and Chicken Judging (Luke Russert’s tribute to his dad, a black Australorp named Timothy, is favored for the blue ribbon and best of show)
  • Party business (DNC leadership has been feeling the pressure from the pro-“Step Up 2:The Streets” faction of the party. Will they adopt the controversial constitutional amendment banning marriage between rhythmically-challenged Americans as part of the Democratic platform? Or will the eugenecists get served? Watch tonight and find out.)

Speaker Highlights:

Former President Jimmy Carter finally reveals his deep, dark secret that he’s been keeping from his wife – AND HIS GIRLFRIEND. And Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper will finally reveal that his real name is Parkay McMonkeyballs.

Day 2

Event Highlights:

  • Swimsuit competition
  • NORML-sponsored pizza party and Tele-Tubbies marathon in their “Education” tent just outside the Pepsi Center

Speaker Highlights:

Hillary Rodham Clinton will attempt to unify the party with a speech that will touch on themes of unity, change and history, followed by the ritualistic eating of the still-beating hearts of several members of RNC leadership in order to gain their strength and knowledge. Some vitreous and entrails will be reserved to anoint the presumptive nominee at INVESCO Field later in the week.

Day 3

Event Highlights:

  • Roll Call. Senator Clinton is expected to be put up for nomination, as well as I.P. Freely, Oliver Clothesoff, and Jacques Strapp. Mike Rotch is expected to finish second, behind Senator Obama in the delegate count.

Speaker Highlights:

Senator Joe Biden and Former President Bill Clinton will sing a program of madrigals and English ballads, concluding with “Greensleeves.”

Day 4

Event Highlights:

In what is guaranteed to be the most dramatic moment of the convention, an ailing Ted Kennedy will pass the Orb of Delano, source of all mystical liberal power in the universe, to the nominee, Senator Barack Obama. A thousand golden warrior ninjas, protectors of the Orb, will descend on Mile High Stadium and swear their fealty to Obama, pledging their loyalty until the enemies of the Democratic party lie in pools of their own blood.

A reception will follow at the Hilton.


“How ’bout a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?”

Dear Uncle Ted,

I’m worried – if Texas Congressman Chet Edwards winds up as Obama’s VP choice, as many have speculated, do you think the American electorate will have a problem with a national ticket featuring two sets of weird names?

– Bluer than a Smurf

It’s a good question, my Smurfy friend, though American voters are not nearly as monolithic on this issue as you would think. Sure, there’s a bunch of bigots and knuckleheads willing to discount this possible Democratic ticket simply because one guy’s last name sounds like “Osama” and the other guy shares a name with Wyatt’s douchebag brother from Weird Science – but most of those people were never gonna vote for Barack, anyway. They would rather their daughters marry lesbian commie vampires than not vote for a Republican.

I wouldn’t get too concerned – the American people have a history of electing folks with some odd names.


Millard Fillmore – Whig party
Ulysses S. Grant – Republican
Calvin Coolidge – Republican
James A. Garfield – Lasagna-Eating-Cat Party

Vice Presidents

Elbridge Gerry
Hannibal Hamlin
Adlai E. Stevenson
Garret Hobart
Spiro Agnew*

Besides Chet, this year’s possible candidates include Virginia Gov. Timothy Kaine (who sounds like he should be the bad guy’s henchman in a Stephen Segal movie) Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius (third in line to the throne of Sebelius, ancient Martian Warrior queens) and Senator Evan Bayh, whose name looks like a calligraphy exercise, or what a Scrabble tile bag would Chuck Hagel after drinking too many Milwaukee’s Bests.

They’re all pretty sensible Veep choices, Smurfette. You shouldn’t worry – no, if the Democrats lose in November, it will not be because the candidates have goofy names.

It’ll be because one’s a black Muslim terrorist sympathizer and the other doesn’t mind the gays.


*Dick Cavett once figured out that if you rearrange the letters in Spiro Agnew’s name, you get “grow a penis.”