Category Archives: Relationships

“Michael Chabon” is tough to pronounce around a ball gag.

Dear Uncle Ted –

I’m unsure what to do —  perhaps you can help me.

I love America. I’m maverick-y. I was born with a vagina and I wear lipstick. I firmly believe that Sarah Palin is the right choice for me. However, my husband, per the Bible’s instruction, doesn’t allow me to have opinions. Is it right for me to share my feelings with him, or should I just shut my mouth if I know what’s good for me?

Thank you —

*Subservient in Saginaw

First of all – I’m sad that the first person to write into AFUT calling themselves subservient isn’t the right kind of subservient, Subservient. I thought this was going to be an email about safety words. (I prefer “Portnoy,” though “Michael Chabon” is good also, though tough to pronounce around a ball gag.)

Secondly – You’re making it difficult for me to decide who’s the bigger idiot, SiS. It appears the dynamic you and your husband have could keep a team of psychiatrists, progressive Christian marriage counselors, pollsters and anthropologists flush with cash during these tough times. You owe it to yourself, your husband and the American economy to sit him down and start talking about how you really feel about the Alaskan governor. And pray that the Lord forgives you for your disobedience.

-Unk.

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“Luke. I know you like to go down on marsupials. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.”

Dear Uncle Ted:

I have two roommates whom I hate. They’re messy, inconsiderate–basically they have their heads up their asses. I’m leaving the country in a few weeks, but not before I teach them a lesson. Any suggestions?

Veronica Daindrich*, Wollongong, Australia

Dear Veronica:

Look. You’re better than this. I know it seems like vengeance is the answer, and I’m sure your assessment of them is accurate – but that doesn’t mean you should stoop to their level at this point. Who knows. Your last night out with them in Australia – at a dinner that they will probably be too cheap to chip in for – might lead to some beer-enabled apologies and revelations. And perhaps, even a renewed friendship.

But if they manage to f*ck that up, at least wait until you’re on your way home. I mean, you should definitely wait until you’re at a cash-paid internet kiosk at the airport before hacking their Google email accounts to send Photoshopped pictures of themselves performing fellatio on wallabies with the subject line “Here are the images you requested” to all the elementary school children in your former neighborhood. And you should DEFINITELY wait until you’re state-side before calling an anonymous tip into the Australian Federal Police about how your roommates – your stinky, non-dishwashing, curry-take-out-tray-leaving, drunk-footballer-stealing tw*t roommates – were running a bestiality porno ring in your laundry room, unbeknownst to you until the morning of your departure.

Make sure you call from a public phone. And disguise your voice with one of those Darth Vader voice changer thingies. And make sure to send them some Tim-Tams while they’re doing 10 long in the pokey.

-Unk.

P.S. I’m guessing it won’t be hard to figure out those Gmail passwords. They’ve gotta be something easy for that pair of dingo’s balls to remember. I’d try “fosters” or “crikey” or “paulhogan” or “valtrex.”

Nerd FAQ round-up.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Who’s the cooler time traveler: Marty McFly or Doctor Who?

– Bernoulli Finkelstein, Marietta, GA

Mmm. That’s an easy one, Bernie. Marty plays in a band, drives a DeLorean, skateboards and makes out with Elizabeth Shue. Doctor Who fights robots and occasionally travels with hot women, but rarely does anything more badass than pointing his sonic screwdriver at alien technology until it goes “bloop.” Yes, he’s a tweed-clad demigod and doesn’t need the help of a cloud-haired eccentric (having been one himself early on) but he’s never stepped in to take over lead guitar duties from Chuck Berry’s cousin. Game, Set, Match: McFly.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Who would win in a fight – Batman or Superman?

– Donald P. Engstrom, Foghat, Ontario

I would first refer you to the website Batman-versus-Superman.com: “Superman would kick batmans ass. This is why. Everyone assumes this is going to be some type of ring match. Anyone with some sense of imagination would realize could come up with a hundred scenerios where superman wins. Here is one. Superman does go rogue. Flies to metropolis, hangs out far above the city and x-rays everything will eventually find batman. Then he just a) uses his eye beams and kills him from a great distance, b) drops a mountain on him, c) knocks a skyscraper over on him, d) thows any high velocity projectile weighing several tons at batman. In no way would batman ever even get close to me if I were Superman.”

I would then tell you to ask your Dad what kissing girls is like. Hopefully, a conversation should ensue that will guarantee that you waste less time on the Interwebs asking questions like this one.*

Dear Uncle Ted,

How can I get my boyfriend to stop playing so much World of Warcraft and pay more attention to me?

Neglected Night-Elf in Nebraska

I feel your pain, Neglected. Uncle Ted used to date a really nice librarian, until she got addicted to Nintendogs. Last I heard, she’d pawned her grandmother’s jewelry to buy batteries.

My advice to you? Start scheduling things for you to do with each other away from the computer. Hikes. Shopping expeditions. Baseball games. Nights out on the town. Remind him what he’s giving up the next time the guild calls him up for an all-night raid.

If that fails, though, you may wanna try this:

I have no idea what a woman this awesome is doing standing next to a dude in a Ghostbusters 2 costume. Worst. Sequel. Ever.

I have no idea what a woman this awesome is doing standing next to a dude in a Ghostbusters 2 costume. Worst. Sequel. Ever.

I’m not saying you have to get dressed up like a night elf. You shouldn’t have to. BUT IT CAN’T HURT.

And if that doesn’t work, you may have to come to grips with one of two realities:

1) There might be something fundamentally wrong with your relationship that can’t be solved with prosthetic, pointy, purple ears.

2) Your boyfriend is gay for Tauren Chieftains.

Good luck. Lemme know how that works out!

-Unk.

*P.S. I don’t know why the pro-Batman camp always assumes Superman is a big dumb jock, easily outwitted by Bruce Wayne. Lil’ baby Kal-El fell to Earth in a capsule stuffed with audiobooks written by the smartest guy on Krypton, encompassing the collective knowledge of the 26 known galaxies. Jor-El didn’t send his son across light-years of space with only an unabridged recording of Marley and Me to keep him company. I like Batman. But you people are idiots.