Category Archives: Uncategorized

No punnery or hair removal. Just kick him in the nuts.

Dear Uncle Ted,

I am not entirely sure if I’ve been dumped, but all evidence seems to be pointing that way: the calls aren’t returned, the emails stopped coming, not to mention that it appears he has a new Facebook Fling.  We shared some great times, and we made plans for the future, and then he took my heart and wound it through a meat grinder and made some pretty typical blood sausage out of the whole ordeal.  So I have one question: what’s the best torture to exact on him: tweezing out every single hair from his body while making him listen to me sing Andrea Bocelli’s classic wailer “Time to Say Goodbye” in the original Italian, or should I rig for his brakes to fail in his godforsaken hometown and he can plunge off a cliff while listening to Tom Petty’s “Free Falling?”

And, what’s the best bottle of wine on the current market for me to drown my sorrows in?

Your sage advice would be most welcome, thanks,

Princess Me.

Sweetie:

Let’s make this simple.

No torture. No lingering. No sentimentality.

Just give me his address.

Gabriel Byrne and I will drive him out to Miller’s Crossing.

"Put one in his BRAIN."

And then, after some kvetching, Gabriel will walk that douchebag out among the trees.

He’ll beg for his life.

"Look in your HEART!"

What little good it would do would prove entertaining.

Actually, thinking about last time, maybe I should walk your ex out myself, the douchenozzle.

-T

P.S. M. Chapoutier Belleruche. It’s cheap and delicious. And guaranteed to produce a headache so prodigious, you will forget all about that dude.

This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. And tort reform.

Dear Uncle Ted:

The last week has sucked.  My bike got stolen, my phone died, someone hit my car and I dropped my ice cream in the midle of the street (mocha java fudge chip!!!!!  ghaaa!)  Someone told me this is because Mercury is in Retrograde.  I want to know – can I sue Mercury?  Or should I just punch the guy who told me so in the nose?

Sincerely,
*Princess Me
Blaming the astrologer is not the way to go here, Princess. He was only doing his job. Unfortunately, bringing a civil suit against a planet is extremely difficult – though not completely unheard of:
  • In George Fredericks vs. Mars, the Red Planet is said to have perniciously dropped out of Leo, thus causing Mr. Fredericks’ budding romance at the time to self-destruct. Mars’ lawyers argued that Mr. Fredericks should have planned the timing of his romantic entanglements better, seeing as Mars’ orbit does not deviate, and can be computed with reasonable accuracy thousands of years into the future. Character witnesses – two ex-girlfriends – testified to Mr. Fredericks’ deficiencies as a lover. The suit was ruled in favor of the defendant.
  • In the events leading up to Angela Trilinikis vs. Jupiter, the plaintiff is said to have based her purchase of a used Chrysler minivan on the gas giant rising into Taurus. When the vehicle broke down a week later, Ms. Trilinikis filed suit. The planet’s lawyers’ motion for a change of venue to Cerus – a dwarf planet within the asteroid belt – was granted. Proceedings are scheduled to begin shortly after human settlement of the Jovian system is established.
  • In a non-astrology related case, Brittany Salerno vs. Saturn, arguments over paternity testing were rendered moot when Ms. Salerno prematurely gave birth to a moon. The two parties currently share custody.

My advice: rabbit’s feet.

– Unk.

Dear Uncle Ted.

Dear Uncle Ted,

I hear you have a new blog where you answer questions and give advice to people. Is this true?

– Sue, Albuquerque, NM

Dear Sue: Yes, it’s true. Though, strangely enough, not your questions. Except for this one. After this, you should take your relationship issues and bar bets regarding Rutherford Hayes’ sexual proclivities to someone who cares about your problems. Like Amy Dickinson. Or your mom.

But don’t call tonight. She’ll be busy. Rather – she’ll be biz-zay.

Dear Uncle Ted,

What sort of questions are you going to be answering?

– Alan, Brainerd, MN

Dear Alan: Hopefully, the questions I’ll be answering will be more interesting than yours.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Do you see yourself as a “Dear Abby” type, dispensing commonsense wisdom about real, everyday problems that touch the souls and lives of millions?

– Josie M, The Hague, Netherlands

Dear Josie: No.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Do we have to send you real questions?

– Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, Farmington, CT

Dear Miz Frankweiler: Your questions should be as real and heartfelt as my answers.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Do you think any of the established answer and advice columnists out there, like Dan Savage, Randy Cohen or Cecil Adams have anything to worry about from your new blog?

– Karl A., Racine, WI

Dear Karl: Those guys have nothing to worry about from my blog. As to Molotov cocktails thrown through their bedroom windows – well. We all have our crosses to bear.

Hope to hear from all of you very soon. Remember: I’m here to help.

-Unk.