Tag Archives: Olympics

Men’s Gymnastics.

Dear Uncle Ted,

I always thought that there were only 6 muscles in one’s arm and shoulder.  Apparently however, after watching that Chinese gymnast flip himself upside down onto the rings from a standstill, I’m wrong – there are 5 muscles, and the rest of the “athlete’s” body is made of some rare japanese titanium alloy, which I’m sure must be getting hacked in China R&D as we speak and will soon be available on the black market here in the US.

My question: Where can I get myself some of that semi-titanium ass?  Is there a local bar in Chicago where a nobody like me can get in touch with a half-human, half-alloy gravity defying genius?

Thanks again,
*Princess Me

It’s good to hear from you again, Princess! Though I’m pretty sure you’re mistaken about that Chinese gymnast’s body composition. Rare Japanese titanium alloy? Come, now. That’s silly. If the Japanese made anything that awesome, they’d’ve kept it for themselves (and done much better in these games, natch.) No no – I’m pretty sure the skill of the Chinese men’s gymnastic team is a result of hard work, dedication and determination – from the research arm of Cyberdyne Systems.

Yes, Princess – follow the Chinese gymnasts around long enough, and I’m sure you’d find hallmarks of classic T-1000 behavior, which includes the ability to morph into whatever object or individuals they come into physical contact with. I’m assuming the actual members of the men’s Chinese gymnastic team are dead – massacred with whatever knives or stabbing weapons these evil robots from the future transformed their limbs into – though what these graceful, single-minded death machines want with Olympic gold is unknown to us. Perhaps John Connor is a pommel horse enthusiast, in Beijing to root for his countrymen? Perhaps Skynet is trying to use Xu Huang’s parallel bars routine as a world-mesmerizing distraction from its takeover of American defense computers? It’s a mystery. A dangerous and deadly mystery. And I suspect we only have until the afternoon of August 19th – when the Men’s Horizontal Bar final is scheduled – to solve it.

As for finding yourself a lithe, fit and impossibly dexterous automaton – you should check out the population of your own neighborhood – Boys’ Town – specifically the clubs on North Halsted Street in Chicago – though I’m pretty sure most of those cyborgs are running on alternating, not direct current, if you catch my drift. Otherwise, I can send you a “Kyle Reese Is My Baby Daddy” t-shirt. Wear it as often as possible – you should be crawling with hot homicidal android booty in under a week.

Good luck!


Olympic Dreams.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Is there any way I can get to be as good an Olympic swimmer as Michael Phelps?

– Andrew Ridgeway, Boise, ID

Thanks for your question, Andrew! Mr. Phelps is pretty badass, no doubt, and an inspiration to millions. To achieve what he’s done, there are several paths to the medal podium available to you.

I’m hoping that you’re a youngster, Andrew – and tall and lanky, with freakishly long arms and legs. Because for option 1, you’ll need them, as well as a willingness to punish yourself and sacrifice just about everything else in your life – friends, family and fun – in thrice-daily practices, accompanied by rigorous out-of-the-water physical training, to pursue your dream. The kind of work ethic required to achieve an elite level of excellence in Olympic swimming is a relentless, unforgiving one – and even after years and years of training, all you may get for your effort is a mouthful of wake from some young upstart even more talented and driven than yourself, pushing past you in a fraction of a second towards a glory that might never be yours.

If that sounds discouraging – take heart. Option 2 – pursued by a small but growing minority of Olympic swimmers – is to undergo a series of bites from a group of radioactive dolphins, raised in water drained from the cooling towers at Chernobyl. A special “training” facility secreted away in a remote Latvian hillside is quickly becoming the destination of choice for competitors looking for that extra edge. After “treatment,” swimmers experience, on average, a 5-to-15-percent reduction in lap times, along with a predilection for baitfish. And except for the resulting herring smell and the inability to communicate except with clicks and squeaks, the procedure is undetectable by today’s anti-doping testing methods.

Option 3 – equipping your Speedo LZR Racer suit with a small outboard motor – is a risky strategy and might get you disqualified from any meets you might compete in. Hopefully, any officials watching will be too distracted by the swimmer in lane 3 spraying water out of his blowhole to notice.

Lemme know what you decide to do – and good luck!