Tag Archives: S&M

“Michael Chabon” is tough to pronounce around a ball gag.

Dear Uncle Ted –

I’m unsure what to do —  perhaps you can help me.

I love America. I’m maverick-y. I was born with a vagina and I wear lipstick. I firmly believe that Sarah Palin is the right choice for me. However, my husband, per the Bible’s instruction, doesn’t allow me to have opinions. Is it right for me to share my feelings with him, or should I just shut my mouth if I know what’s good for me?

Thank you —

*Subservient in Saginaw

First of all – I’m sad that the first person to write into AFUT calling themselves subservient isn’t the right kind of subservient, Subservient. I thought this was going to be an email about safety words. (I prefer “Portnoy,” though “Michael Chabon” is good also, though tough to pronounce around a ball gag.)

Secondly – You’re making it difficult for me to decide who’s the bigger idiot, SiS. It appears the dynamic you and your husband have could keep a team of psychiatrists, progressive Christian marriage counselors, pollsters and anthropologists flush with cash during these tough times. You owe it to yourself, your husband and the American economy to sit him down and start talking about how you really feel about the Alaskan governor. And pray that the Lord forgives you for your disobedience.


Tiny, tiny bongs.

Dear Uncle Ted,

What’s an appropriate baby shower gift?

– Louisa Caliph, Cairo, IL

Louisa – Uncle Ted had to tackle this issue himself just the other day! My best buddy Frank from high school finally got married to a wonderful woman, and they’re expecting a bundle of joy in October.* They invited everyone they knew to their shower – it was quite a party!

Don’t stress about the shower gift. If the Mom-to-be doesn’t have a registry, Uncle Ted has some suggestions:

  • Disposable diapers (unused)
  • Bottles and pacifiers (unused)
  • Baby clothes (and I mean clothes made for babies, not just t-shirts you’ve outgrown)
  • Music or other recordings (material shown to promote brain development – like Mozart, or Puccini, or any of Alan Greenspan’s congressional testimony as Fed Chairman)
  • Baby toys (rattles, mobiles to hang above the crib, teething rings, small hookahs (it’s never too early to teach water pipe fundamentals), baggies filled with broken glass, infant-sized cat o’ nine tails, light beer)
  • Gift card from a local liquor store (for the parents, in case the baby won’t share his or her beer)
  • A Nanny or an Au Pair

Babies need a LOT of stuff. Anything else you can contribute, along with your love and support, will be greatly appreciated. Good luck!


*Hopefully, that kid doesn’t make the scene looking half-Korean. Uncle Ted might hafta get himself a second job and someplace to hide.