Tag Archives: bongs

Tiny, tiny bongs.

Dear Uncle Ted,

What’s an appropriate baby shower gift?

– Louisa Caliph, Cairo, IL

Louisa – Uncle Ted had to tackle this issue himself just the other day! My best buddy Frank from high school finally got married to a wonderful woman, and they’re expecting a bundle of joy in October.* They invited everyone they knew to their shower – it was quite a party!

Don’t stress about the shower gift. If the Mom-to-be doesn’t have a registry, Uncle Ted has some suggestions:

  • Disposable diapers (unused)
  • Bottles and pacifiers (unused)
  • Baby clothes (and I mean clothes made for babies, not just t-shirts you’ve outgrown)
  • Music or other recordings (material shown to promote brain development – like Mozart, or Puccini, or any of Alan Greenspan’s congressional testimony as Fed Chairman)
  • Baby toys (rattles, mobiles to hang above the crib, teething rings, small hookahs (it’s never too early to teach water pipe fundamentals), baggies filled with broken glass, infant-sized cat o’ nine tails, light beer)
  • Gift card from a local liquor store (for the parents, in case the baby won’t share his or her beer)
  • A Nanny or an Au Pair

Babies need a LOT of stuff. Anything else you can contribute, along with your love and support, will be greatly appreciated. Good luck!


*Hopefully, that kid doesn’t make the scene looking half-Korean. Uncle Ted might hafta get himself a second job and someplace to hide.