Cured meat we can believe in.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Is there any way I can hold the Republicans accountable for the last eight years of ass-hattery and support America’s favorite cured meat at the same time?

– A Concerned Voter With Some Disposable Income

Dear Concerned:

Yes.*

This is the front of the shirt. Awesome, I know.

Mmmmmm. Salty, smoky, fatty political discourse.

There’s also buttons, mugs, bags, kids’ clothing, sweatshirts and underwear. Yes, underwear. (Note: Uncle Ted will send a special Obama-related gift to the first person who buys a “Pro-BLT, Anti-GOP” thong.)

In this historic election year – it’s a sandwich we can believe in.

-Unk.

*Profits will be donated to Obama For America.

Obama’s not out-fundraising McCain because of the INTERNET, buddy.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Is Jesus a Democrat or a Republican?

Mary Torkleson, Pittsburgh, PA

Mary – since Jesus’ last known address would place him in Jerusalem – and seeing as there’s a pretty significant amount of evidence that the man would, upon his return, head towards Israel, it would make His political inclinations and party affiliation as it relates to American politics somewhat beside the point.

It should be noted, however, that the Vatican is currently investigating a claim by state-side Catholics that every time Barack opens his bible, cashier’s checks made out to “Obama For America” fall out of it.

-Unk.

The Honorable Parkay McMonkeyballs.

Dear Uncle Ted,

What cool shit will be happening at the Democratic National Convention?

Grover Sandusky, Spokane, WA

Grover, my boy – glad you asked.

Day 1

Event Highlights:

• Apple Pie Bake-Off
• Livestock Exhibition and Chicken Judging (Luke Russert’s tribute to his dad, a black Australorp named Timothy, is favored for the blue ribbon and best of show)
• Party business (DNC leadership has been feeling the pressure from the pro-“Step Up 2:The Streets” faction of the party. Will they adopt the controversial constitutional amendment banning marriage between rhythmically-challenged Americans as part of the Democratic platform? Or will the eugenecists get served? Watch tonight and find out.)

Speaker Highlights:

Former President Jimmy Carter finally reveals his deep, dark secret that he’s been keeping from his wife – AND HIS GIRLFRIEND. And Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper will finally reveal that his real name is Parkay McMonkeyballs.

Day 2

Event Highlights:

• Swimsuit competition
• NORML-sponsored pizza party and Tele-Tubbies marathon in their “Education” tent just outside the Pepsi Center

Speaker Highlights:

Hillary Rodham Clinton will attempt to unify the party with a speech that will touch on themes of unity, change and history, followed by the ritualistic eating of the still-beating hearts of several members of RNC leadership in order to gain their strength and knowledge. Some vitreous and entrails will be reserved to anoint the presumptive nominee at INVESCO Field later in the week.

Day 3

Event Highlights:

• Roll Call. Senator Clinton is expected to be put up for nomination, as well as I.P. Freely, Oliver Clothesoff, and Jacques Strapp. Mike Rotch is expected to finish second, behind Senator Obama in the delegate count.

Speaker Highlights:

Senator Joe Biden and Former President Bill Clinton will sing a program of madrigals and English ballads, concluding with “Greensleeves.”

Day 4

Event Highlights:

In what is guaranteed to be the most dramatic moment of the convention, an ailing Ted Kennedy will pass the Orb of Delano, source of all mystical liberal power in the universe, to the nominee, Senator Barack Obama. A thousand golden warrior ninjas, protectors of the Orb, will descend on Mile High Stadium and swear their fealty to Obama, pledging their loyalty until the enemies of the Democratic party lie in pools of their own blood.

A reception will follow at the Hilton.

-Unk.