Men’s Gymnastics.

Dear Uncle Ted,

I always thought that there were only 6 muscles in one’s arm and shoulder.  Apparently however, after watching that Chinese gymnast flip himself upside down onto the rings from a standstill, I’m wrong – there are 5 muscles, and the rest of the “athlete’s” body is made of some rare japanese titanium alloy, which I’m sure must be getting hacked in China R&D as we speak and will soon be available on the black market here in the US.

My question: Where can I get myself some of that semi-titanium ass?  Is there a local bar in Chicago where a nobody like me can get in touch with a half-human, half-alloy gravity defying genius?

Thanks again,
*Princess Me

It’s good to hear from you again, Princess! Though I’m pretty sure you’re mistaken about that Chinese gymnast’s body composition. Rare Japanese titanium alloy? Come, now. That’s silly. If the Japanese made anything that awesome, they’d’ve kept it for themselves (and done much better in these games, natch.) No no – I’m pretty sure the skill of the Chinese men’s gymnastic team is a result of hard work, dedication and determination – from the research arm of Cyberdyne Systems.

Yes, Princess – follow the Chinese gymnasts around long enough, and I’m sure you’d find hallmarks of classic T-1000 behavior, which includes the ability to morph into whatever object or individuals they come into physical contact with. I’m assuming the actual members of the men’s Chinese gymnastic team are dead – massacred with whatever knives or stabbing weapons these evil robots from the future transformed their limbs into – though what these graceful, single-minded death machines want with Olympic gold is unknown to us. Perhaps John Connor is a pommel horse enthusiast, in Beijing to root for his countrymen? Perhaps Skynet is trying to use Xu Huang’s parallel bars routine as a world-mesmerizing distraction from its takeover of American defense computers? It’s a mystery. A dangerous and deadly mystery. And I suspect we only have until the afternoon of August 19th – when the Men’s Horizontal Bar final is scheduled – to solve it.

As for finding yourself a lithe, fit and impossibly dexterous automaton – you should check out the population of your own neighborhood – Boys’ Town – specifically the clubs on North Halsted Street in Chicago – though I’m pretty sure most of those cyborgs are running on alternating, not direct current, if you catch my drift. Otherwise, I can send you a “Kyle Reese Is My Baby Daddy” t-shirt. Wear it as often as possible – you should be crawling with hot homicidal android booty in under a week.

Good luck!

-Unk.