Vrooooooom.

Dear Uncle Ted:

Do you think the Canadian government should change the street-legal status of mobility scooters in our country?

– Elizabeth Cadman, Vancouver, BC

Dear Elizabeth:

No.

Sweet Jesus, no.

Canadians will ride into the next battle for freedom on the back of a horse called Rascal, Elizabeth. Your obvious opposition to them and the patriots that ride them is clearly the result of your inability to see the future – the glorious, seven-and-a-half mile-per-hour future of your country. The sooner you stow your prejudices in the conveniently mounted basket behind your fully adjustable chair, the happier you’ll be.

-Unk.

You’d have to change those reels ALL THE TIME.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Is the video for Don Henley’s “The Boys of Summer” a treatise on the difficulty of confronting aging and loss, or a Proustian lament for a distant summer fling?

G.F., Los Angeles, CA

GF – I think Don Henley and director Jean-Baptiste Mondino were trying to tell us several things in 1984, one of which being: installing film projection screens into the walls of your house may seem like a cool idea, but they get boring fast.

Even screens placed serendipitously in alleys aren’t much of a draw. I mean, Don Henley backs away from his own face. Who does that?

Like many videos of the era (such as Young MC’s Bust A Move and Tone Loc’s Wild Thing) Summer bears a moral at its center. And that moral is: You will get tired of looking at a beach.

-Unk.