Dear Uncle Ted,
Are you worried that the experiments being conducted at the Large Hadron Collider at CERN could result in the destruction of the earth?
– S.H., Oxford, England
I’m as cool as a cucumber, SH.
Proof of the existence of the Higgs Boson, or “God Particle,” is something that the physicists at CERN in Geneva will be actively pursuing when the LHC starts smashing stuff on October 21st. Now, understand – flinging protons at each other at the speed of light is, even within the controlled environment of the LHC, slightly dangerous. Proponents of the project have admitted that there is a possibility that teeny-weeny black holes could begin to form once collision experiments begin – but they’ve also argued that said black holes will dissipate harmlessly, since they will most likely emit more energy than they consume.
I want to believe these guys, since I believe that science, which has brought us the Space Shuttle and instant ramen, is a fundamentally good thing. But thanks to an apocalyptic Baptist upbringing, the idea of a rapidly accreting man-made singularity quietly sucking France and Switzerland into its gaping maw sounds exactly like the sort of thing God would do to a species that allowed Flavor of Love and I Love New York to be shown to children.
I know a lot of Americans, especially ones from the middle, would like nothing better than to see a bunch of French folks get sucked into a cosmic garbage disposal. I’d like to remind them that the Swiss – those innocent makers of fine chocolates and watches – would suffer the same fate. And eventually, the black hole would end up destroying America – almost as quickly as the homosexual agenda and a Democrat in the White House would.
So why am I not worried, SH? Uncle Ted has planned for this scenario.
Every single scientist at LHC and CERN should be receiving copies of the collected box sets of Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis, due to arrive October 20th, the day before LHC is scheduled to begin experiments. That Habitrail for uber-nerds won’t be running right for weeks. It should give the Marines enough time to sneak into Geneva and fill that gigundo ring with packing peanuts and bits of dead mackerel. By the time they get that place cleaned out and smelling right, Lost will have started up again. By then, thoughts of God Particles and muon detectors will be replaced by more important questions, such as: how the F*CK did they move that island?