37 + 19 = one reason why Uncle Ted likes Google Mail.

Where the hell have you been, Google Mail Goggles? I haven't been able to go anywhere near Leah Rimini or her dog since 2002.

Dear Uncle Ted,

What do you think about the new Mail Goggles feature from Google Mail?

– Norris Chucksworth, Nome-Ridicolo, FL

Norris – This is, without question, the greatest single innovation in email since the emoticon. Who knows how many tears cried, hearts broken, jobs lost and restraining orders issued could have been saved if only it had come along sooner?

For those of you who haven’t heard yet, the premise is simple: during certain hours of the week (oh, say, in the wee hours of Friday and Saturday nights) whenever you, a Mail Goggles-enabled user, tries to send a pig-latin love sonnet to that cute account executive you were flirting with over lemon drop shots at the bar at the Marriott, Gmail responds with this message in a pop-up window:

“It’s that time of day. Gmail aims to help you in many ways. Are you sure you want to send this? Answer some simple math problems to verify.”

A timer begins counting down, and if you don’t take some deep breaths, slap yourself a few times, squint at the screen and do some adding and subtracting – all within 60 seconds – you’re prompted to try again. And, if the account exec was particularly charming, most likely again and again – until you realize the minor indignity of being told by an email program that you’re too f*cked up to type or do simple sums is nothing when compared to your co-workers asking you on Monday if you’re still eeply-day in-way ove-lay.

To be honest – I don’t think the questions are NEARLY hard enough. The really determined, enamored drunk will figure out, after a few tries, that a calculator at the ready is the only thing standing between him or her and truly mortifying embarrassment. Maybe some truly difficult questions are in order, Google Labs developers? Like:

• Has your whole adult life been a lie?
• Do you eat like you do because you don’t have anything else good in your life?
• Do you think God knows what you did to that sheep and is still punishing you for it, all these years later?
• Are the voices still telling you to kill Mrs. Schwartz?
• Have you stored the plastic explosive in a cool, dry, non-conductive container?

Sobering questions like these will keep bad poetry out of our outboxes, Google-Peeps. Think about it.

-Unk.

“So we’ll kiss now and get it over with, and then we’ll go eat. We’ll digest our food better.”

Dear Uncle Ted,

My name is Angela and I’m in the 4th grade. I think this boy in class likes me but I can’t tell for sure. I was wondering if you can tell me how I can tell if a boy likes me.

Angela Pierce, Rochester, MN

Oh, Angela. Boys your age are just beginning to get interested in girls, and they’re just as nervous about this sort of stuff as you are. You may hear from your friends that the boy or the boy’s friends have been asking about you at school. But don’t listen to them. You wait. You wait and you wait. He may send you emails. He may try to talk to you in a chat room. He may send you notes in class, or slip them into your locker. He may have flowers or large parcels of your favorite candy sent to your house. He may even talk his parents into spending his college fund on getting the Jonas Brothers to sing you a love song on your front lawn.

But until you get three consecutive, unequivocally positive responses from your cootie-catcher, I’d say the private concert and the Nintendo Wii purchased with three years’ worth of lawn-mowing money are just empty gestures.

And don’t just keep picking even numbers. For true love, you’ve gotta be willing to take risks.

– Unk.

Mr. and Mrs. Liz Lemon.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Do you think I have any shot at getting together with 30 Rock writer and actress Tina Fey?

– Most of my male friends, various locations

Dudes. For the last time. She’s married. She’s got a kid. Her husband is a fricking MUSICIAN, for the love of Pete. She’s the hottest nerd on the planet. Do you really think, even if she was single, that she’d decide to hook up with any of your flabby asses? Please.

Besides. I get the feeling my thrice-daily deliveries of roses and tasteful nude self-portraits to her office are finally wearing her down.

-Unk

Decorum, taste and style in Gotham.

Dear Uncle Ted,

I just got done watching Batman the Dark Knight, and I have some questions:

Has anyone ever told the Joker he might need some better foundation to help hold that white stuff on?  I would maybe suggest Princess Borghese Mud Mask followed by some Chanel base.  Also, a little Vitamin E would help the scar tissue…..

Also, is there any chance Bruce Wayne would date a girl like me?  I’m not a DA or anything, but I have some nice dresses…besides, that Maggie Gyllenahaal is a hussy – haven’t you seen the Agent Provocateur ads she does???

Seriously Concerned about Gotham’s Image,

*Princess Me

I’m gonna hafta disagree with you, Princess – I find the Joker’s approach to skin care and makeup embodies a less polished, yet livelier aesthetic, one more suited to these grittier times. It’s a look that says “I’m here to party, not to be seen at one.” And if my sources are correct, I believe Estee Lauder agrees, and is offering Liz Hurley’s soon-to-expire contract as one of the four faces of the cosmetics line to Mr. Joker – if not to provoke the marketplace, than at least to demonstrate a willingness to bring an undergound sensibility to the mainstream. Save the mud mask for yourself, young missy. We’re all gonna need some serious pore therapy if that greasepaint catches on.

As for Mr. Wayne – I believe if you follow his exploits in the papers, you’ll realize that his choice in arm candy leans heavily towards hussy. But I hope there’s room in Mr. Wayne’s future for someone with decorum, taste and style. Until that person comes along, however, may I forward the photo that you’ve sent to me on to Mr. Wayne? Your bikini, made out of what looks like poultry twine, is, I believe, exactly what Bruce is looking for right now. Decorum, taste and style, indeed.

-Unk.

First dates and first dinners.

Dear Uncle Ted,

Where should I go on a first date?

– Ned, Batavia, IL

Ned, I recommend the Fermilab National Laboratory, right in your home town, which houses the Tevatron, the world’s highest-energy particle accelerator, where protons, extracted from ionized hydrogen gas though the Cockroft-Walton process, are shot through a four-mile ring of 28,000-ohm neodymium magnets at nearly the speed of light, giving us insight into space and time, and the nature of the universe at the dawn of creation.

It’s chock full of nerds, so you’ll look much, much, cooler in comparison. Plus, the cafeteria has onion rings. They don’t serve booze, though, so make sure to bring a flask for yourself and however many Cosmopolitans you can pour into a Gatorade bottle. Good luck!

Dear Uncle Ted,

Can you recommend some easy but impressive dishes to cook for a dinner date? Please bear in mind that I can barely get around in my kitchen. I mean, I know how to boil water, but that’s about it!

– Elena, Rochester, NY

Ahhh, young love. So often paired with kitchen inexperience. But not to worry – Uncle Ted is here to help.

I’d recommend a tasty, easy three-course meal – one that will satisfy (and not bog you guys down while you’re watching “You’ve Got Mail” and necking on the couch. 🙂 )

Appetizer: Sweet Cucumber and Grape Gazpacho – don’t worry – it only sounds fancy. Cucumbers, green seedless grapes, a little bread, a little garlic, a food processor – 15 minutes! And you can make it a day or two ahead, which will leave you more time to stare smoulderingly into each other’s eyes over a nice glass of wine. (And while Franzia is Uncle Ted’s summer drink of choice, you might wanna splurge for the good stuff. In bottles.)

Entree: Roast Chicken with Crash Hot Potatoes. This dish is FOOLPROOF. Now, if you’ve never cooked a whole chicken before, don’t sweat – it’s actually pretty easy, and will look great coming out of the oven. Follow the directions carefully, and you’ll have a brown and juicy bird ready to be picked apart by your lucky fella. And you can use the lower rack in the oven to make the potatoes while the chicken is cooking – and relax: the potato recipe is from Australia – if those sports-obsessed felonious retards can make it, so can you!

Dessert: Mango-Acai Berry Puree with Pulverized Yuzu and Venezuelan Cocoa-Lychee Foam. Now, I don’t have a recipe link for this, since the only time I’ve had it was in Grant Achatz’s molecular gastronomic showcase, Alinea, in Chicago. But estimating the time between courses, I would say it should probably take you 10, 15 minutes, tops. (I was able to get a vague outline of the recipe by feeding their sous-chef peyote buttons after-hours – and it was worth the trouble!) Now for the puree, you’ll need to break the mangoes down in a boiling agave syrup solution until they disintegrate and start exuding notes of vanilla and caramel. Add the Acai quickly, as you have an eight-second window from when the vanilla scent starts before the agave starts to react with mango and the whole thing begins to smell like boiled cabbage. You can then turn the mixture down to a simmer while you take some yuzu (a medicinal Japanese citrus fruit formerly used to treat the wounds of Samurai warriors whose pulp is considered a Schedule II hallucinogen) and quick-freeze their rinds with a blast from your nitrogen canister. (If you’re out of supercooled nitrogen, freon from your air conditioner will do the trick.) You should then reconstitute some dried lychees with a little Nepalese mountain river water and dust them with the cocoa before extracting the foam base with an irradiating-centripedal pulse strainer (make sure your pulse strainer is well-shielded and that your apron is lead-lined.) Use an autoclaved pipette to drip your extraction into a compressed nitrous oxide dispenser. Pour the puree onto your anti-griddle (now, if you don’t own a device that provides a -30F flattop that will instantly freeze most liquids on contact, use ice, but this is really something you should have in your kitchen anyway) and form small discs. Carefully pry the puree off the surface and plate up your dessert, topping the discs with two or three generous blasts of foam. Finally, take a hammer (masonry is recommended, though ball-peen is fine) and smash your yuzu rinds. Burnish any dangerously sharp edges off the yuzu shards with a sheet of 300-grit sandpaper and sprinkle what’s left onto your foam. Enjoy!

Actually, prep time on that last course might take 20 minutes.

Lemme know how that goes! Good luck!

-Unk