Dear Uncle Ted,
– Bernoulli Finkelstein, Marietta, GA
Mmm. That’s an easy one, Bernie. Marty plays in a band, drives a DeLorean, skateboards and makes out with Elizabeth Shue. Doctor Who fights robots and occasionally travels with hot women, but rarely does anything more badass than pointing his sonic screwdriver at alien technology until it goes “bloop.” Yes, he’s a tweed-clad demigod and doesn’t need the help of a cloud-haired eccentric (having been one himself early on) but he’s never stepped in to take over lead guitar duties from Chuck Berry’s cousin. Game, Set, Match: McFly.
Dear Uncle Ted,
Who would win in a fight – Batman or Superman?
– Donald P. Engstrom, Foghat, Ontario
I would first refer you to the website Batman-versus-Superman.com: “Superman would kick batmans ass. This is why. Everyone assumes this is going to be some type of ring match. Anyone with some sense of imagination would realize could come up with a hundred scenerios where superman wins. Here is one. Superman does go rogue. Flies to metropolis, hangs out far above the city and x-rays everything will eventually find batman. Then he just a) uses his eye beams and kills him from a great distance, b) drops a mountain on him, c) knocks a skyscraper over on him, d) thows any high velocity projectile weighing several tons at batman. In no way would batman ever even get close to me if I were Superman.”
I would then tell you to ask your Dad what kissing girls is like. Hopefully, a conversation should ensue that will guarantee that you waste less time on the Interwebs asking questions like this one.*
Dear Uncle Ted,
How can I get my boyfriend to stop playing so much World of Warcraft and pay more attention to me?
Neglected Night-Elf in Nebraska
I feel your pain, Neglected. Uncle Ted used to date a really nice librarian, until she got addicted to Nintendogs. Last I heard, she’d pawned her grandmother’s jewelry to buy batteries.
My advice to you? Start scheduling things for you to do with each other away from the computer. Hikes. Shopping expeditions. Baseball games. Nights out on the town. Remind him what he’s giving up the next time the guild calls him up for an all-night raid.
If that fails, though, you may wanna try this:
I’m not saying you have to get dressed up like a night elf. You shouldn’t have to. BUT IT CAN’T HURT.
And if that doesn’t work, you may have to come to grips with one of two realities:
1) There might be something fundamentally wrong with your relationship that can’t be solved with prosthetic, pointy, purple ears.
2) Your boyfriend is gay for Tauren Chieftains.
Good luck. Lemme know how that works out!
*P.S. I don’t know why the pro-Batman camp always assumes Superman is a big dumb jock, easily outwitted by Bruce Wayne. Lil’ baby Kal-El fell to Earth in a capsule stuffed with audiobooks written by the smartest guy on Krypton, encompassing the collective knowledge of the 26 known galaxies. Jor-El didn’t send his son across light-years of space with only an unabridged recording of Marley and Me to keep him company. I like Batman. But you people are idiots.