“Luke. I know you like to go down on marsupials. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.”

Dear Uncle Ted:

I have two roommates whom I hate. They’re messy, inconsiderate–basically they have their heads up their asses. I’m leaving the country in a few weeks, but not before I teach them a lesson. Any suggestions?

–Veronica Daindrich*, Wollongong, Australia

Dear Veronica:

Look. You’re better than this. I know it seems like vengeance is the answer, and I’m sure your assessment of them is accurate – but that doesn’t mean you should stoop to their level at this point. Who knows. Your last night out with them in Australia – at a dinner that they will probably be too cheap to chip in for – might lead to some beer-enabled apologies and revelations. And perhaps, even a renewed friendship.

But if they manage to f*ck that up, at least wait until you’re on your way home. I mean, you should definitely wait until you’re at a cash-paid internet kiosk at the airport before hacking their Google email accounts to send Photoshopped pictures of themselves performing fellatio on wallabies with the subject line “Here are the images you requested” to all the elementary school children in your former neighborhood. And you should DEFINITELY wait until you’re state-side before calling an anonymous tip into the Australian Federal Police about how your roommates – your stinky, non-dishwashing, curry-take-out-tray-leaving, drunk-footballer-stealing tw*t roommates – were running a bestiality porno ring in your laundry room, unbeknownst to you until the morning of your departure.

Make sure you call from a public phone. And disguise your voice with one of those Darth Vader voice changer thingies. And make sure to send them some Tim-Tams while they’re doing 10 long in the pokey.

-Unk.

P.S. I’m guessing it won’t be hard to figure out those Gmail passwords. They’ve gotta be something easy for that pair of dingo’s balls to remember. I’d try “fosters” or “crikey” or “paulhogan” or “valtrex.”

Tiny, tiny bongs.

Dear Uncle Ted,

What’s an appropriate baby shower gift?

– Louisa Caliph, Cairo, IL

Louisa – Uncle Ted had to tackle this issue himself just the other day! My best buddy Frank from high school finally got married to a wonderful woman, and they’re expecting a bundle of joy in October.* They invited everyone they knew to their shower – it was quite a party!

Don’t stress about the shower gift. If the Mom-to-be doesn’t have a registry, Uncle Ted has some suggestions:

• Disposable diapers (unused)
• Bottles and pacifiers (unused)
• Baby clothes (and I mean clothes made for babies, not just t-shirts you’ve outgrown)
• Music or other recordings (material shown to promote brain development – like Mozart, or Puccini, or any of Alan Greenspan’s congressional testimony as Fed Chairman)
• Baby toys (rattles, mobiles to hang above the crib, teething rings, small hookahs (it’s never too early to teach water pipe fundamentals), baggies filled with broken glass, infant-sized cat o’ nine tails, light beer)
• Gift card from a local liquor store (for the parents, in case the baby won’t share his or her beer)
• A Nanny or an Au Pair

Babies need a LOT of stuff. Anything else you can contribute, along with your love and support, will be greatly appreciated. Good luck!

-Unk.

*Hopefully, that kid doesn’t make the scene looking half-Korean. Uncle Ted might hafta get himself a second job and someplace to hide.